Stone By Stone
Chapter 2 - In Need Of Assistance
Synopsis: Being caught between Leo and the president was soon to be the least of Josh's worries.
Characters: Ensemble
Episode/Spoilers: Set in an a/u that starts after season 5, Memorial Day. This chapter takes place a month after chapter one.
Rating: PG
Tuesday June 15th 2004
CJ stood in the office doorway and watched Josh as he typed into his computer. There were times when she felt enormously protective towards him and then there were times when she wanted to smack him across the back of the head. The last few days had definitely fallen into the latter category. "You know this is like the first campaign all over again," she said.
"What is?" Josh asked without looking away from his computer screen.
"Except then it was unpaid volunteers, now it's hardened White House assistants," CJ continued.
Josh stopped typing and looked up at CJ. "I'm trying to work here," he sighed.
CJ walked into the office and stood in front of Josh's desk, waiting until she had his full attention. "You have to stop yelling at assistants."
"I don't ......"
"Even Donna wouldn't put up with the way you've been treating Ginger." CJ sat down. "I know you're missing her. I spoke to her yesterday, she's doing fine and she still plans to be back on the 5th."
"I know."
"It's only two weeks."
"You really think she's going to want to come back and work for me, just like before?" Josh asked. "You think I've been holding her back for years. You told me as much over a year ago."
CJ couldn't argue with that, but she still believed what she'd told Donna, it was a two way street. "She hasn't said she wants to move, has she?"
"She told me she wanted to do more, which is why I sent her on the CODEL in the first place. If she wants to move I'm not going to stop her."
"I can think of at least four assistants who would," CJ smiled in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere. Seeing that she'd failed she said, "She might want to do more, but she doesn't want to move, Josh. She's looking forward to coming back."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"How the hell do you find anything?" Toby asked as Josh hunted through a pile of papers that afternoon.
"I know where everything is," Josh assured him.
"Okay." Toby watched for a couple more minutes before he sat in the visitor's chair and said, "Except the file we need for the thing in," he looked at his watch, "10 minutes."
"Yeah," Josh agreed.
"You want me to ask Bonnie to print the stuff off again?"
"It's here, I had it earlier," Josh insisted and continued to hunt around his desk. "Found it." He smiled triumphantly and handed the buff colored folder to Toby.
"You need an assistant," Toby told him.
"I have a bullpen full of people."
"Who aren't assistants. Call personnel."
"No. I'm doing fine."
"If you don't call personnel most of your bullpen are going to walk out."
"I don't need......"
"And they're going to take every assistant who's tried to help around here with them," Toby finished.
"It's only another two weeks."
"You really think Donna's going to be up to running around after you as soon as she gets back? She has a broken leg, Josh."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday
The following morning CJ walked through the bullpen and into Josh's office. "Are you ready?" she asked.
"For what?"
"Josh! We have a meeting in 5 minutes."
"What time is it?" Josh looked at his watch. "Shit," he muttered. "Just let me finish this."
"Did you call personnel?" CJ asked.
"Yes." Josh continued reading while CJ sat and waited.
"Joshua," a voice said from the office doorway. "As chaotic as ever I see."
Josh looked up irritatedly to see who was disturbing him now. His scowl turned to a smile though when he saw the woman stood before him. She was around 5 feet tall, with short graying hair and looked to be around fifty years old. "What are you doing here?" he asked.
"I was told you needed a temp," Janet replied.
"He does," CJ agreed.
"You don't work in the White House," Josh told Janet.
"No, I'm still on The Hill. But I was asked as a special favor to a friend in personnel." Janet smiled, "Seems no one else wanted to work for you."
CJ laughed. "I'm CJ Cregg," she introduced herself. "Are they paying you a lot for doing this?"
"I got to negotiate my own salary," Janet smiled. "Janet Quigley," she informed CJ. "I worked for him for 2 years in Congressman Brennan's office and then for a short while with Senator Hoynes."
"Why would you want to go through all that again?" CJ asked.
"I'm still sat here you know," Josh complained.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday
By the next day, Janet had settled in and had managed to get Josh's schedule and office back in order. "Josh, you have a meeting with Frank at 4.30," she reminded him when he walked past her desk with Leo.
"Today?"
"Yes."
Frank was Josh's ATVA counselor and he really didn't feel up to a meeting with him today. "Can you cancel it?"
"No," Janet replied.
"I'm sorry?" he asked Janet.
"Donna's told me that appointments with your doctor, at GW or with Frank can only be cancelled in a national emergency."
"This is a...."
"A real national emergency, Josh, not one you invented."
"You've been talking to Donna?" Josh asked her.
"Yes," Janet replied. "She's been very helpful."
"Where are you going?" Josh asked when Janet stood up and collected her purse.
"Lunch with Margaret."
"What about Coleridge?" Josh tried to reassert some authority.
"On your desk," Janet smiled. "See you later."
Josh watched Janet walk away before he turned around and found Leo smiling. "This isn't funny," Josh said.
"No," Leo agreed, but carried on smiling. "Nice card," he indicated the Good Luck card on Janet's desk.
"It's from Donna," Josh sighed. "Her idea of a joke."
"I spoke to her this morning, her doctor agrees she can come back on the 5th."
"So she says."
Leo followed Josh into his office. "She's doing well, stop worrying."
"I know. Leo, why am I staffing the budget meeting this afternoon?"
"You staff the president all the time," Leo pointed out.
"I've only ever staffed budget when you're away."
"Yeah," Leo agreed. "The president obviously wants a new perspective on things."
"I won't know what they're talking about."
"It's budget," Leo replied. "Nobody who isn't a economist knows what they're talking about."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Donna and CJ had finished their lunch and were drinking their coffees, neither wanting to leave the restaurant just yet. Donna didn't want to go back to her apartment and watch afternoon TV, and CJ was enjoying Donna's company and not relishing the thought of another senior staff meeting with Leo and the president acting like schoolboys and hardly speaking to each other.
"What's wrong?" Donna asked.
"Work, what else."
Donna nodded. "Josh told me about Leo and the president."
"You can cut the atmosphere in meetings with a knife," CJ told her. "I'm fairly sure the press must have noticed. What's Josh said?"
"I think he's trying to see both sides, but it's difficult for him."
"He's always going to side with Leo, even if it is unintentional," CJ agreed.
"CJ," Donna changed the subject. "Could you arrange a pass for someone to visit the White House?"
"You can do that yourself."
"Yeah, but he'd like to sit in a press briefing and see how it works."
"He?" CJ asked.
"Colin Ayres," Donna clarified. "He's in New York, he's going to make a flying visit here on Friday."
"To see the White House?" CJ gave Donna a knowing look.
"We may have dinner," Donna smiled. "He's very charming."
"I'll sort out passes for him for Friday then." CJ did wonder what Josh would think about that though.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At 8 that evening Josh arrived at Donna's apartment with dinner. "How's Janet?" Donna asked.
"You sent her a good luck card," Josh complained.
"I did," Donna agreed.
"That was unkind," Josh smiled.
"Yet she seemed to appreciate it. I figured she could use all the support she could get." Donna took a carton off Josh, but he took it straight back.
"Go and sit down," he instructed.
"I'm not incapable of looking after myself," Donna complained good naturedly.
"I know that. I just don't want you stealing my food," Josh smiled.
"Then I'll wait 'til it's on your plate."
"Like normal."
"Josh, I want to come back to work."
"Not until the doctor says you can," Josh carried the plates into the living room.
"I feel fine, I can walk okay, see." Donna demonstrated by following Josh into the next room.
Josh watched Donna walk unsteadily from the kitchen and shook his head. "The doctor said the 5th."
"You're a mean boss."
"I'm getting my own back for 'the rules'," Josh replied.
"You were a little iller than me, I've only got a broken leg."
Josh was tempted to point out that she'd almost died, but decided that she probably didn't need reminding. Instead he said, "You can't come back until the doctor says. Leo wouldn't let you, personnel wouldn't let and neither will I."
"Mean," Donna repeated as she sat down and took her plate off Josh. "How come Sam cancelled his visit last weekend?"
"It was Chloe's sister's wedding. He'd forgotten."
"He hasn't changed a bit has he?" Donna smiled. "I miss him."
"Me too," Josh agreed. "Says he'll come out in a few weeks."
"Good, we can all go out and I'll be back at work by then."
"You know, you moan about wanting to come back but trust me, once you're there you'll regret it."
"I'm not actually ill you know."
"I meant the atmosphere, and you are ill," Josh handed Donna a slice of his chicken.
"It's still bad then, Leo and the president I mean?" Donna asked as she put a few pieces of her crispy shredded beef onto his plate.
Josh had promised himself he wouldn't unburden his problems onto Donna, but he'd known it was a promise he had no chance of keeping. "I've started staffing budget meetings, it'll be defense next."
"What's Leo said?"
"To go along with it. He thinks that it'll blow over and as long as the president's listening to one member of his staff then he's fine with it. But I can see he's angry and hurt, I just wish it wasn't me in the middle." He shook his head. "I'm just waiting for my summons to the Situation Room. Worse than that though, Margaret keeps glaring at me."
"Margaret doesn't blame you."
"Maybe."
"And Leo certainly doesn't."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friday
Josh and Toby were walking from Leo's office when something, or rather someone, caught Josh's eye and he stopped to watch.
"..... we should talk to Morgan before....." Toby paused when he realized he was talking to himself. "Josh?" he called.
Josh turned absently towards Toby and then glanced back in the direction of the press room, but Colin had gone.
"You coming?" Toby asked.
"Yeah," Josh fell into step beside Toby again, but turned to look back down the corridor when they reached the doors to the lobby.
"What's wrong?"
"Do you know where CJ is?"
"She's got a meeting with Henry to try and talk him out of leaving. Why?" Toby asked, but Josh had walked back to the briefing room and was looking through the window.
When Josh saw Colin sitting talking to Steve and Chris he felt a wave of anger that CJ, and he knew it had to have been CJ, had got him a pass. But then he remembered she didn't know what he knew, or what he suspected anyway. He turned round and rejoined Toby.
"What's wrong?" Toby asked again.
"You remember the journalist Donna met in Gaza?"
"Yeah."
"He's in the briefing room."
Toby shrugged, "He's a reporter."
"I'm pretty sure he took the photos," Josh said.
"What photo's?" Toby asked and then turned to look at Josh. "The car?"
"Yeah."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That evening Josh followed CJ into her office and closed the door. "Who got Colin Ayres a pass?"
"I did, Donna asked me to."
"What does he want?"
CJ was a little taken aback by Josh's hostile tone. "He was in New York," she replied. "He stopped in Washington to see Donna and she thought he'd like to see the White House."
"He couldn't just take a tour?"
"Josh, he's her friend."
Josh gave a humorless laugh. "Was it his idea or hers?"
"Hers I think, what's the problem?"
"I don't trust him."
"Other than the fact that he dated Donna, why?"
Josh knew he had no proof about this, just a very strong suspicion. "He took the photos of the cars after the bomb, at least I'm pretty sure he did."
"How do you know?"
"He told me he was there when the bomb went off, that there was nothing he could do but watch. The thing is, he never goes anywhere without his camera and if he was that close," Josh shrugged. "I don't know, maybe it wasn't him."
"But you're pretty sure it was?"
"Yes."
"Have you told Donna?"
"Of course not. I could hardly tell her at the hospital and once she was home there didn't seem any point in upsetting her, I didn't know she was going to see him again."
"She's meeting him tonight, for dinner."
"Where?" Josh asked.
"I don't know," CJ lied, because she could imagine Josh tearing down to the restaurant and dragging Colin away from Donna.
Before Josh had time reply, they were disturbed by Carol. "Sorry, CJ, Steve wondered if you had a minute."
"I'll see you later," Josh said and left the office as Steve walked in.
"Josh," CJ called after him. "Just leave it with me for a while." Josh nodded his agreement and walked back to his office.
"What can I do for you?" CJ asked Steve.
"I was talking to that Irish journalist, Colin Ayres, earlier and something he said got me thinking so I did some checking with a couple of contacts. He's a freelancer, he gets some good stuff because he takes risks, will go places other reporters won't." Steve hesitated.
"Go on," CJ said, although she had a good idea where this was heading.
"He sold the photos of the cars in Gaza to Reuters. Apparently, there were other ones that they didn't use." He hesitated, he knew how angry CJ had been about the pictures anyway, "There was one of Donna in the car."
"It was definitely him?" CJ asked quietly.
"Yes."
"Thanks, Steve." Once Steve had gone, CJ walked to Carol's desk. "Do you know what time Donna was meeting Colin?" she asked.
"Round about now I think. He's nice, very charming," Carol smiled.
"Isn't he," CJ agreed dryly and went back into her office.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Josh stood in his kitchen making himself a drink, while listening to Sam on the phone. It was 9.30 and he was trying to decide what time Donna would be home from her date and what was happening between her and Colin.
"Am I boring you?" Sam asked.
"Sorry, go on." Josh carried the phone into the lounge and sat in the couch.
"What's wrong?"
"It's just been a strange day."
"Everyone alright?"
"Yeah everyone's good."
"But?" Sam prompted.
"You remember I told you about the reporter from Gaza, Donna's friend."
"Turned up in Germany," Sam remembered.
"Well today he turned up at the White House. CJ got him a pressroom pass."
"He is a journalist," Sam pointed out.
"A Middle East journalist, what's he doing in Washington?" Josh asked.
Sam had a good idea what Colin was doing in Washington. If he'd traveled from Gaza to Germany to see Donna, why wouldn't he come to America as well. But he didn't say that to Josh, instead he suggested, "Writing a story?"
"That's what worries me," Josh replied. "He took the photos of the car."
"Does Donna know that?"
"No. Steve told CJ this evening, but she couldn't get in touch with Donna. You think I should have told her sooner?"
"I thought you only found out this evening?"
"I suspected when they were published, but I didn't want to upset her."
"Donna's not an idiot, if he's after a story she'll see straight through him."
"Yeah," Josh agreed. "So how's Chloe?" he changed the subject.
"She's well. She's applied for a new job."
"Yeah?" Josh asked, trying to sound interested but still thinking about Donna.
"In Connecticut," Sam added.
"That's going to be long commute for one of you."
"I've applied for a couple as well."
That got Josh's attention. "In Connecticut?"
"Two in New York, one in Hartford."
"So you could be moving back the East Coast?" Josh smiled, suddenly cheered up by the thought of Sam only being a few hours drive away.
"We could. She's home sick and I have more connections over there than here, so I wouldn't mind moving."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In her apartment, Donna sat down and put her foot on the coffee table to ease her aching leg. She leaned back and sighed, how could she have been so stupid? Perhaps reporters were all the same, maybe it was just natural to them. Or perhaps her taste in men really did suck. She wished her roommate wasn't at work because she needed someone to moan to, to bitch with. Well if Candi was out there was only one other person she could think of who would sympathize entirely. She reached for the phone and dialed CJ's number.
"Hey," CJ answered. "I thought you'd still be out with Colin, it's not even 10 yet."
"I left early. Are you busy, I'm not disturbing you am I?"
"Well, you are interrupting a fascinating documentary on Discovery about the migration patterns of the Canadian Goose," CJ replied. "What happened?"
Donna poured herself a drink and hobbled back to the couch. "It was a disaster. Oh he started out as charming as ever. Asked how I was, how my mom was. He even asked how Josh was, which I thought was nice of him."
CJ smiled. "They didn't get on when they met?" she guessed.
"You know what Josh is like," Donna replied. "He feels he has to vet every man who comes near me."
CJ couldn't argue with that, of course now she knew why he did it.
"Then he started asking about the summit, how had it really gone, what were the tensions like. This was before the starter had arrived. It was like an interview, straight down to business."
"Surely he knows you weren't at Camp David?"
"I told him that. He said Josh must have told me what had happened, which he had, but I wasn't about to tell Colin. So I told him no and I had no idea what had happened. I tried to talk about something else, but he asked how the president was and then Leo. I think someone in the pressroom may have said something to him about them."
"I'm sure they've all noticed something's wrong. There's an atmosphere through the whole building. It's even worse than Josh and Leo last year."
"Josh said it was bad," Donna replied. "Anyway I told Colin that I wasn't at work, so how would I know what was going on."
"And he asked what Josh had said," CJ guessed.
"Yes. I told him if all he wanted to talk about was what Josh had said, maybe he should be having dinner with Josh. You think that was a little harsh?"
"No," CJ replied.
"He changed the subject then and we talked about family and general nothingness, you know. But as soon as the main course came he started again." Donna paused and drank some of her drink.
"What did he ask?"
"He wanted to know whether I thought the CODEL was worth while. Did I think it was worth the cost."
CJ waited for Donna to continue, when she didn't CJ asked, "Donna, are you alright?"
"How could he ask me that?" Donna asked quietly. "He sold the pictures he took, CJ. Of the cars after the bomb. I didn't know that."
"I know, Steve told me this evening. If I'd known before I wouldn't have got him a pass. Are you sure you're alright? I can come over."
"No, thanks, I'll be fine. I just need better taste in men."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday
"How'd it go?" Leo asked when Josh entered his office after an afternoon of meetings with the president.
"Okay, except I think we should tell Shanahan what's happening," Josh replied.
"Did you tell the president that?"
"Yes. He said no."
"Unsurprisingly."
"Leo, not that I don't like a challenge and learning new stuff you know, but this is your job and I really don't feel qualified to give him the best advice."
"He thinks you are."
"Well he's wrong," Josh replied. "And Margaret keep glaring at me," he smiled slightly.
"You scared of Margaret?"
"Yes," Josh agreed, but he knew he wasn't going to get Leo to talk about the rift between him and the president, so he moved on to his next question. "I know Donna's back next week, but will it be okay if Janet stays on a while, at least until Donna's off the crutches?"
"It's okay by me, but have you asked Janet if she wants to."
"She will, she likes me," Josh said and smiled. "Well she likes Donna and I'm sure she'll want to help her."
"How's Donna doing?" Leo asked.
"Okay. She's got PT this afternoon so I'm going to make her dinner."
"You're going to cook?" Leo sounded worried, but his eyes were laughing.
"I can cook," Josh protested. "I'm going to buy take out on the way round," he admitted.
"Leo," Margaret interrupted them. "You're needed in Situation Room."
"What's going on?" Josh asked when Margaret had gone. Then he added, "Actually I don't want to know."
Leo stood up and walked out of the office with Josh. "Don't feel bad about all this, Josh. He'll either come round or he won't, there's nothing you can do about it."
"Yeah," Josh sighed and watched Leo walk away.
"You okay?" CJ asked.
Josh jumped, "Do you have to sneak up on people!"
"Sorry," CJ laughed. "What's up?"
"You know when you were a kid and your parents fought and you weren't sure which one you should speak to?"
"Yeah."
"That's what this is like," Josh told her.
"What is?"
"Leo and the president fighting and we're caught in middle."
"It'll blow over," CJ told him.
"That's what everyone says," Josh said. "But what if they get divorced, then what'll happen?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday
After the morning briefing CJ returned to her office and found Josh stood behind her desk looking out of the window.
"Hey, what's up?" she asked.
Josh turned to face her. "Why did you tell Donna I knew about Colin and the photos?"
"It just came out, why what's she said?"
"She's a little pissed at me, CJ, what do you think she said," Josh replied angrily.
"I'm sorry."
"Well that's okay then," Josh snapped. He ran his hand through his hair. "Maybe she's right," he said quietly. "I should have said something when I first suspected."
"She was in the hospital."
"Well, when she came out then. I dunno."
"What did she say?"
"Not that much, most it was shouted. She virtually threw me out of the apartment though. Look I'm sorry I snapped, I'll see you later."
CJ watched Josh walk through the bullpen and back to his own office. She picked up the phone and dialed Donna's number. After the pleasantries were exchanged CJ told Donna that Josh had spoken to her. "Don't be angry with him, Donna."
"Why? He knew about the photos, he let me go out with him."
"Would it have made a difference if Josh had told you not to go?" CJ asked.
"If he'd told me the reason."
"He didn't tell you because he didn't want to upset you, plus he only suspected. He didn't know you were going to see Colin again. When he saw him here on Friday he told me his suspicions and then Steve confirmed them. He didn't want to upset you," CJ repeated. "And," she continued, "if he'd told you, it would have been like every other guy you date. You'd have thought he was finding fault just for the fun of it."
Donna didn't reply immediately. "Yeah, I guess."
"You know it's completely against by beliefs to defend Josh," CJ joked. "But this really wasn't his fault."
"I was pretty horrible to him, CJ. I don't know what came over me. When I opened the front door and he was stood there with a stupid grin on his face, I just wanted to hurt him. I told him he was a lousy friend, that I didn't want him to come round again. Oh God, CJ, I told him, I told him it was his fault. I didn't mean that. I don't blame Josh."
"He knows that," CJ tried to assure Donna.
"No he doesn't. He blames himself, he always does. That's why he's fussing round me so much, and I threw it back in his face."
"That's not why he's fussing. He's doing that because he cares. Are you sure you're alright?"
"Yeah, I shouldn't have yelled at him."
CJ looked up as Carol beckoned from the doorway and pointed at her watch. "Look, Donna, I've got to go and brief. Don't worry about Josh, he can take care of himself. I'll call you later and if you need anything just phone me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At 10.15 that evening, Josh walked into his building, opened his apartment door and wondered why he hadn't turned the TV off when he left for work that morning. He closed the door, dropped his keys on the table and walked into the lounge, where he found Donna asleep on his couch. He smiled at the peaceful look on her face and went to make a coffee. The smile turned to a grin when he saw a box containing his favorite cheesecake on the kitchen counter. He walked back into the lounge and stood watching Donna sleep for a few seconds, he decided to have a shower before waking her. Ten minutes later he came out of the bedroom in sweatpants and a t-shirt and walked over to Donna.
"Hey," she said. "I didn't hear you come in."
"You were asleep. I was too scared to wake you," he smiled.
"I came over to apologize, but you weren't here. CJ said you left at 8, where've you been?"
"I went to see Will. We have to meet in secret so we don't incur Toby's anger," Josh grinned. "You want to share the cheesecake?"
Donna nodded and moved up to let Josh sit down. He handed her a drink and a fork and they sat eating the desert and watching television.
"What are we watching?" Josh asked.
"I don't know. When I put it on it was a train journey through the Alps, I have no idea what this is." Donna put her fork down and turned to face Josh. "I'm really sorry. I didn't mean any of that last night. I was angry, but not at you."
"I should have said something," Josh offered.
"No. CJ's right there, I wouldn't have listened. You always find fault with the men I date."
"Not always," Josh protested.
"Always," Donna repeated.
"What about Jack? I seem to recall I got you the date," Josh reminded her.
"Yes, that was strange," Donna agreed.
Josh watched her, she looked tired, exhausted in fact. "Does your leg hurt?" he asked.
"No. It aches sometimes that's all. Why?"
"You look tired. I thought it might be keeping you awake."
"No."
"Then what is?"
"Nothing. It's hot and it's uncomfortable in bed that's all."
"Donna, look at me. Are you sure everything's alright?"
"I'm fine."
Josh tried a change of tactic. "You know when I was a kid, my dad drank?" he asked and Donna nodded. "He once told me that when he first met Leo he knew he was a drinker. Like spotting like I guess."
"What's...?" Donna began.
"CJ told me what you said to her about wanting to hurt me, and last night when you were shouting at me, I saw it your eyes."
"You didn't see anything, I was angry about Colin."
Josh shook his head. "I've seen that look before and so have you. I've seen it when I've looked in the mirror."
"I do not have post traumatic stress disorder," Donna replied.
"Maybe not, but you're not sleeping, you're angry, you're......."
"I'm not heading for a breakdown. Don't you dare say that," Donna shouted.
"Why? Because it's unthinkable. Because it only happens to other people?" Josh asked, "weak people. I know you're stronger than me. But you should still talk to someone."
"No."
"Donna, please. Just talk to a counselor, get it out in the open. It might help, it certainly can't hurt."
"No," Donna repeated.
"Why?" Josh could see Donna was getting upset but he carried on anyway. "What harm can talking to someone do?"
"Because I don't want there to be anything wrong with me. He might say there is and I don't want that. I don't want people.... " she trailed off.
"You don't want people what?" Josh asked. "You think people treat me differently now. Do you treat me differently? Do you think I'm weak, a nut job?"
"You know I don't," Donna replied.
"You had to almost drag me to my first few sessions with Frank," Josh reminds her. "You told Janet I wasn't allowed to cancel appointments with him."
"I know."
"Then why is it okay for me to see a counselor and it's not for you?"
"Because you know what's wrong with you. You know you can control it, you can live with it. I don't."
Josh put his arm around Donna's shoulder and pulled her to him. "The worst he can say is PTSD, and we know how to deal with that," he told her. "The only reason I got so bad was because I tried to hide it, I thought it'd go away, that I could handle it. If I'd admitted something was wrong straight away, it'd be so much easier."
Donna didn't miss the use of the present tense there, she lifted her head off Josh's shoulder and looked at him. "Why didn't you?"
"I'm an idiot," Josh smiled. "You're having nightmares, yeah?"
Donna nodded and put her head back on his shoulder, something that made her feel safe and protected.
"That's how it started for me, nightmares. But I have nightmares anyway, so I shrugged them off and tried to carry on, even though deep down I knew something was wrong. But I reasoned it was being back at work, you know the stress, the sudden change from being at home for three months. I knew I could hide the effects of the nightmares because I've been doing it most of my life," Josh confided. "By the time I spoke to Stanley though..... I think if I hadn't been forced I would never had sought help. I was on a downward spiral, Donna. 'Locked into damage control' was how Stanley put it and that about sums it up."
Donna took hold of Josh's hand. "We should have noticed sooner."
"No, I'm good at hiding things," Josh replied. "I'm not saying you're ever going to go through that. There may be nothing wrong, but you should talk to trauma specialist just to be sure. Even if it's only to shut me up," he smiled sadly.
"I suppose I could talk to Frank. I mean I know him, so that may be okay."
"Yeah," Josh agreed. He held her for a few minutes and they sat quietly watching a documentary on the conquest of Everest, before Josh said. "I'm sorry about what happened."
"I didn't mean what I said last night. I don't blame you. I know you won't believe this," Donna said, "but none of this is your fault. It was a terrorist bomb, there was nothing you could do to prevent it and no way you could know it would happen."
"Maybe, but I'm still sorry."
"I know you are," Donna replied, because she suspected that was the answer that Josh really wanted, the answer he really needed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday
The following day CJ and Josh walked back to their offices after senior staff. "Have you spoken to Donna?" CJ asked.
"Yeah she came round last night, we sorted it."
"Is she okay?"
"She's fine," Josh replied. "Why?"
"She seemed upset yesterday when I spoke to her."
"She was angry about Colin," Josh shrugged.
"But she's okay? I mean it was a lot to go through, Josh, and the last couple of times I've seen her she's looked tired and a little withdrawn."
"I know. It's warm at night and her leg's keeping her awake."
"You think that's all it is?" CJ asked hopefully. "You don't think there's anything psychological going on?"
"I'm not an expert in the human psyche, CJ."
"I know, but..."
"Yeah, I know. If I thought she wasn't handling things I'd make her get help. I promise."
"Okay," CJ smiled. "I'll see you later," she said and went into her office.
Josh walked into his office, closed all the doors and sat down. He picked up the phone, dialed Frank's office and made an appointment for Donna for Friday.
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Friday
Josh had taken Donna to the therapist's office on friday afternoon. He'd waited while she had her appointment and then he'd driven her home. Now he couldn't hold off any longer, he had to ask, "Well?"
"Well what?" Donna asked.
"How'd it go with Frank?"
"Okay. He asked how you were."
"I almost daren't ask, but what did you tell him?"
"I told him you were fine, fussing a little, but fine. I think he was just being polite though, I don't think he really cared," Donna smiled.
"Thanks," Josh returned the smile.
"He's very easy to talk to."
"I know."
"Do you tell him things you wouldn't tell anyone else?" Donna asked.
"I've told him about the fire, about what happened and how I feel."
"Did it help?"
"Surprisingly, yes it did. It actually prompted me to talk to my mom about it, I hadn't done that before, not properly." He smiled then, "I'm pretty screwed up, I don't know if you'd noticed."
"Years ago," Donna smiled. "Did it make it easier though?" she asked.
Josh considered that, 'did it make it easier?' He knew what she was really asking, 'did it help the feeling of guilt that you survived?' He really didn't know how to answer that. If he was truthful then the answer was no, but that wasn't what Donna needed to hear. "You mean did it make the guilt go away?" he asked, stalling for time.
"Yes."
"You shouldn't feel guilty," Josh told her.
"You do."
"Yes," he agreed. "But I was eight, I didn't understand what had happened or why. I was the one who wanted popcorn, she came back for me and then I left her. You didn't leave anyone behind, Donna. It was just fate I guess, but it wasn't your fault."
Donna watched him, even though she'd always known he felt guilty about surviving the fire and she'd guessed why, this was the first time he'd actually admitted it to her. "There was nothing you could have done," she pointed out.
Josh nodded his agreement, the same as he always did when someone said that. But like usual, he wondered how they knew. No one else was there, so how do they know there was nothing he could have done? He didn't want the conversation turning to him though, this was about Donna. "What did Frank say?"
Donna smiled slightly, "There was nothing I could have done to change what happened. It would have happened whether I'd been there or not. I was unconscious, there was no way I could have helped anyone. I was last in the car, so I didn't force anyone to sit in the seat they were in."
"He's right."
"I know, but I think I need to be told a few more times maybe."
"So you're going to see him again?" Josh asked hopefully.
"Yes. I made an appointment for next Friday."
"Good," Josh smiled. "How do you feel?"
Donna smiled a real smile this time. "Do you not remember how much you hated being asked that question?"
"Yes," he said, "but I thought we'd agreed that I'm screwed up."
"We did," Donna said. "I feel better to have talked about it. The thing that was really got to me was that I couldn't remember what happened just before the explosion. I remember talking to Colin and then I woke up in Germany. Now I remember talking to Andi as well and getting in the car." Donna was quiet for a few seconds. "I'm okay you know, I meant what I said, I'm not heading for a breakdown."
"You know you can talk to me any time you need to."
"I might hold you to that."
~~End Of Chapter 2~~